Rejection and unworthiness have been my reality for 65 years. From husbands to family to friends, I have carried a lifetime of events that spoke to me saying I never measured up to expectations or I was simply not worth the effort for someone to love me in a way that meant something (to me.)
When the devil whispers in your ear every day and cites the events to prove you are not worthy, you soon start to believe it. When a person shouts (because they are hard of hearing or perhaps hard of heart) and reminds you day after day that you are the worst daughter, wife, friend ever, you feel rejected even though you are falsely accused. The devil is a liar and so are some humans.
Don’t let the screen door…
In February of 2009, a crusty curmudgeon said “don’t let the screen door hit you in the ass on the way out the door.” I prayed a prayer asking God to get me out of a situation that I could not. God answered that prayer and gave me freedom that day.
Determined to Grow Again
From the ashes of rejection and unworthiness, I rose again, lost my mind a few times, wrote a book about it and never published it. Until last week. I posted a link to Amazon and announced the book. Nothing happened. A few “likes” but no $1.99 downloads. Oh well, move on. It had already been rejected from the publishers I submitted to at the insistence of one of my dear writer friends who believed in the zany story. I wrote it so many years ago just so I could remember.
Sick of Hearing About Rejection
My sister chastised me for a text I sent about a rejection I simply could not get past (not the book.) I spoke from my heart sharing with her all those words and events that have crushed me for sixty-five years. She had no idea. She thought I lived more fully than anyone she has ever known. She said I took risks, went on adventures, created outrageous business ventures, lost a lot yet gave to others even when it meant my own demise.
Rise from Rejection
I told her I had a choice back in 2009 and chose to rise from the ashes of rejection and believe I was worthy. Afterall, the God who created the Universe created me. He made me this way with all the quirks and idiosyncrasies. I had done pretty well but an event of late set me back. Then she listened, really listened and she acknowledged my deep pain. Apparently, all I needed was for someone to listen to my story. The anguish of that day and her care to really listen was the catalyst for my best day.
My courier route took me to Madison. I am drawn to the banks of the Ohio River since my first trip there earlier in the year. I ate my lunch sitting in the work van in the rain and fog on the banks of the river. It was a Kairos moment from God. During my drive, I listened to a podcast about a case that is currently before the Supreme Court. A simple solution to the enormity of all that is wrong in our country, written by three brothers who are trumpeters. Not lawyers, but trumpet players who love America and took a bold action to save her. Right as I took the twists and turns on Lanier Drive to descend to the river, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit and I had the assurance that everything was going to be ok.
The willingness of ordinary men and women to do something (when backed by the power of the One who created the universe) can be turned into a miracle to save a nation. The famous statement, “the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing” also reflects this idea.
So in the rain and fog and cold on the banks of the muddy, fast flowing river, God reminded me of my purpose. He adores me. He brings me people who have a desperate need for someone to listen to their stories. He puts desire and compassion in my heart to help and then He puts his power behind my simple ordinary efforts to produce something extraordinary. We just have to DO something.
Another Outlandish Idea
Once home from the trip to Madison, I built a roaring fire and communed with the Lord. In my heart, I had another outlandish idea and a decision to make and wanted the Lord to guide me. In the way only the Lord can do, He led me on a wild goose chase. We settled on Isaiah 54 and after reading and pondering on five different translations and reflecting on prophesies told to me years ago, my answer came. And no surprise The Message translation resonated with me.
“Sing woman who has never had a baby. Fill the air with song, you who have never experienced childbirth. You’re ending up with far more children than all those childbearing women.” God says so. “Clear lots of ground for your tents! Make your tents large. Spread out! Think Big! You’re going to need a lot of elbow room for your growing family. You are going to take over whole nations and your family will resettle abandoned cities. Don’t be afraid, you’re not going to be embarrassed (by these outlandish ideas you have and implement) for your Maker is your bridegroom, his name, God-of-the-Angel-Armies! Your Redeemer is The Holy of Israel, known as God of the whole earth. You were like an abandoned wife, devastated with rejection and God welcomed you back. All your children will have God for their teacher and what a mentor for your children. If anyone attacks you, nothing will come of it. Any accuser will be dismissed as a liar. This is what God’s servants can expect. I will see to it that everything works out for the best.” God’s decree.
In the Twinkling of an Eye
And with that, all the rejection, unworthiness, false accusations, isolation just left and was replaced with purpose the Lord has called me to. He created me for such a time as this. No ordinary person would cook up such outlandish thoughts and plans. He needed someone who sees the world through different eyes. He needs a Mother for a Movement. I think it will be the title of my next book, but I am working on two at the same time as both books are related.
P.S. Sometimes we just have limiting thoughts from things out of our control or just plain wrong thinking. My first post about the book was a link to Amazon. Apparently the “algorithm” does not make an Amazon link visible to very many. I tried again with a cover photo that I created and then put a link in the comments. Now people saw it. Downloads are happening, people are commenting, eyes are bugging out as they read this zany tale. I just want you to read it for a good laugh and to see what it looks like when you don’t let God lead. He does however use everything for good…eventually!
I took this picture and created this inspirational post years ago but today was the day it really meant something to me. It is so easy to look back and see the plan God was orchestrating (and still is.)
Polly Riddell writing as G. Polly Jordan is a storyteller who listens to the stories of others. God uses her to be the catalyst for someone else’s miracle.